The Book of Atticus
The Book of Atticus Section 1 1:1 Now the word of Brodin came unto Atticus of Providence the son of Bartholomew, saying, 1:2 ATTICUS, my son, thou art in respectable shape, but your form and your body fat percentage are not pleasing to me. Arise, go to the iron gym, that great temple, and bear my weights; for your glutes and back are undefined, and your arms are overdeveloped. 1:3 Follow these thy commandments: Section 2 2:1 "Thou shalt deadlift," said Brodin. 2:2 "Nay," said Atticus, "For I wish to retain the svelte figure of Robert Pattinson, not acquire the unsightly bulk of Giant Andre," 2:3 Thou shalt squat," said Brodin. 2:4 "Nay," said Atticus, "For I do not wish to injure my knees, for then I cannot run to lose weight."' 2:5 "Thou shalt bench," said Brodin. 2:6 "Nay," said Atticus, "For I do not wish to get fat, for then I shall be ungainly and round-bellied." Section 3 3:1 Atticus rose up from the presence of Brodin to flee to his home gym, and he used his pull-up bar and his bosu ball and he ran. 3:2 But Brodin sent out a great storm of snow, and as the snow melted there was a mighty tempest in the basement of Atticus, so that the entire floor of the basement was covered in an inch of water. ' 3:3 "Whence cometh this water?" asked the wife of Atticus. "Have we not been good and obedient to our Lord's commands?" And Atticus turned his face from her, and from Brodin, for he was ashamed. Section 4 4:1 Now it came to pass that a 24 gallon wet vacuum was given unto them, and with this Atticus battled the waters of Brodin. When the first 24 gallons of water were vacuumed, Atticus considered long the basement stairs. He wheeled the wet vac to their base and gripped the handles on the side. He attempted to curl the wet vac with his formidable biceps. "Nay," said Brodin, and the wet vac remained still. 4:2 Atticus positioned himself on the stairs and gripped the wet vac, as if to pull it up the stairs, one by one. "Nay," said Brodin, and the wet vac remained still. 4:3 Atticus ran to get a hose to drain the wet vac, but Brodin said "nay," and the wet vac remained still. 4:4 Then Atticus saw the wisdom of Brodin, and he stood with his feet roughly shoulder length apart, and his toes pointed slightly outward. He bent down with his back straight and grasped the handles of the wet vac. 4:5 "THOU SHALT DEADLIFT," cried Brodin, and Atticus did. The wet vac rose. 4:6 The bulkhead steps were few and tall, and Atticus saw that he must climb the stairs with the wet vac. Atticus tightened his abdominal muscles and bent his body in proper form, and he prepared himself and he saw the wisdom of Brodin. 4:7 "THOU SHALT SQUAT," commanded Brodin, and Atticus did. The wet vac rose further. 4:8 Atticus progressed to the top of the bulkhead and rested the wet vac upon the rim of the bulkhead. His body exhausted and his legs worn, he placed his hands at shoulder width apart upon the top of the wet vac, and he saw the wisdom of Brodin. 4:9 "THOU SHALT BENCH," commanded Brodin, and Atticus did. The waters of Brodin poured forth from the wet vac and upon the fertile grounds of Atticus' backyard, and there watered an acorn that grew into an oak tree. Section 5 5:1 Atticus returned to the basement with the wet vac and followed the commands of Brodin. The next day, and every week since, he hath traveled to the iron temple to fulfill the commands of Brodin.